A culture of consent

When you pronounce this combination of words, not the most peaceful and blissful images involuntarily appear before your eyes. But why? It is clear that for the “subjects”, that is, persons who identify themselves with the BDSM subculture, the definition seems transparent. We are talking about the unshakable rule of the BRD – “Safety. Intelligence. Voluntariness ”, which was originally formed artificially, theoretically as an unwritten law, designed to separate the theme from all violence in the minds of the broad masses. In connection with the fact that allegations of sexual violence have become more frequent all over the world, this topic involuntarily arouses increased interest.
The right of everyone and the ability to say “no” as a problem at the intersection of psychology and criminology and a system of formalized norms and prohibitions in BDSM – what is more today in the very concept of “consent culture”? It would seem easier than ever to broadcast with a smart look the common truths about the inviolability of personal boundaries, including the body, which are instilled in children, and limit yourself to that. However, the reality every day presents new disturbing facts – an increasing number of women of any age are publicly declaring domestic violence and abuse by their partners. For some especially “free-thinking” parents, especially fathers and stepfathers, it has become the norm to force their own teenage daughters to cohabitate. And at the same time, BDSM is becoming a kind of fashion, perceived by the majority only as a piquant seasoning for ordinary sexual behavior and a great opportunity to diversify intimate life.
Not really worrying about deciphering the capital letters in the “fashionable” word, party-goers are actively buying fashionable devices and sex toys and starting to use them in practice. I would not want to frighten the venerable public with all sorts of horror films, like glass bottles and dishwashing brushes or metal rods and balls, extracted in large quantities from the intimate places of both women and men by experienced surgeons.
Alas, the culture of consent does not begin with a discussion of the “age of consent”, acceptable practices and health contraindications, as young and not only “unfortunate subjects” think. Sexual education in our society, based for centuries on the priority of power, usually father and husband, has formed a double standard. Such power was often confirmed behind closed doors only by moral humiliation and assault, while the equality of men and women was publicly proclaimed. It would be naive to introduce the formal norms of a “consent culture” with its fundamental principles “no means no”, mandatory “stop words” in sex games, etc. into the minds of those who take folk wisdom seriously – “a woman’s “no” means “yes, but later” or “beats means she loves.”
BDSM is not a reason to tickle your nerves and is not a new direction for us in the sex industry, although it would be naive to discount this. An increasing number of couples of any age who seek family counseling from a psychologist or sexologist hear recommendations to turn their attention to the use of a rich arsenal of practices and products in this area. However, the level of moral readiness, the so-called. “range of acceptability”, and most importantly – the degree of trust and harmony in each particular pair – are often not taken into account at all.
The assortment of sex shops and the analysis of the information flow convincingly testify in favor of the increasing emancipation of consciousness and tolerance, and this cannot but rejoice. And yet, when we say “a culture of consent”, it is worth considering whether there is a culture as such and who is going to “agree” with whom. For some reason, Krylov’s fables seem to be the most vivid illustrations – let’s recall the manipulations with glasses by the cute Monkey and the Rooster’s reasoning over the pearl grain)). One would like to rephrase the parting word from the Quartet: And you, friends, no matter how you sit down (or “lie down” …) – you still don’t fit the subject!
Perceiving BDSM not as a psychological game strictly “for adults” – with the proper level of development and responsibility, life experience and aesthetic taste – but only as an original addition to sex, we risk misinterpreting both the BRD rule and the notorious “consent culture”. After all, the criteria of Safety, Reasonability and Voluntaryness are different for everyone and are formed within the breadth of everyone’s consciousness. We do not go to an operation to an amateur and do not entrust the construction of a house to the kids on the site.
And passport maturity and full equipment with protective equipment, unfortunately, do not guarantee readiness for genuine intimacy and really healthy sex contact. The consequences of a false perception of a thematic consensus can likewise, if overly gullible, turn into a real tragedy. Games with the psyche are sometimes many times more dangerous than unreasonable games with the body.
After all, BDSM is not about whips and ropes, not about “adult” toys and masks. You can’t hide your inner fear of meeting your real self with any mask. The rules of this game are much broader than the “culture of consent” – a written or unwritten agreement